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Just Jokes

The Difference Between Slow Down And Stop

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

Party Time

A man wins the lottery and buys a ranch out west. However, he is very lonely. One day he is sitting out on his porch when a cowboy comes by. The cowboy says to the man, "There's gonna be a party tonight at my place. Why don't you come by?" The man goes, "I dunno..."

The cowboy says, "Do ya like drinking?"

Man: "Yeah..."

Cowboy: "Do ya like fighting?"

Man: "Yeah..."

Cowboy: "Do ya like sex?"

Man: "Yeah."

So the cowboy says, "Well, then come to my place at about 10."

As he's riding off into the distance, the man yells, "Wait, what should I wear??" And the cowboy yells back, "It don't matter, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you  think.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

From the Alameda County, CA - District Attorney's office, the following is an actual excerpt from a murder trial when the defense attorney was cross-examining the county coroner:
Attorney: "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?"
Coroner: "No."
Attorney: "Did you listen to the heart?"
Coroner: "No."
Attorney: "Did you check for breathing?"
Coroner: "No."
Attorney: "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
Coroner: "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. The man says, "Nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"

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