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Beer Jokes

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Vito.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

Action: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Action: Turn glass other way so that *open* end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and
demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Floor blurred

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

Symptom: Floor moving

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!
Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Action: If your glass is full -- and no one is standing on your drinking arm -- stay put and carry on. If not, get

someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

Fault: You have fallen forwards

Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark

Fault: The pub is closed

Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!

A man stomps into a bar and growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are        assholes!"  A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"  The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"  The guy replies, "NO, I'm an asshole!"

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?

This guy walks into a bar and has a drink. And then he looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and has another drink,  looks in his pocket and has another drink, and so on.  Finally the bartender says, "What are you doing? What's  in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

A woman walks into a bar with a duck on her arm.  The guy sitting next to her says "Where did you get that pig?"  The woman says "you fool.  That's not a pig it's a duck."  The guy says "I was talking to the duck."

A sexy lady up to the bar and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''  The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''  The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. And the bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"

The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No, says the bum."

The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar are you going to use it to gamble?"
"No, says the bum."

So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was am accident down at the Guinness Brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why should I be scared of you."

Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, The beers are on me!. "My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of then were pregnant!"

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night.

Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat.

And all night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"

This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass !"

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages car pooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

14. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?

A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk.

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

God created beer so the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

The Scot is walking home from a bar and decides to take a nap in a nearby ditch. Later as a couple of girls stroll by one says to the other," Hey, is it true they don't wear anything beneath those kiltsd?" The other says," let's take a look". So, after finding the lad bear butt, the one says," we should leave something to let him know we were here." So, she ties her blue hair ribbon to his manhood. Upon waking the Scot uncovers to relieve himself. When he notices the ribbon he says," I don't know where you've been laddie but I see you took first place."

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night exposing her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, the drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian". The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says "that's ok. I'd like to buy her a drink anyway." So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks. The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool next to her he says "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Drinking Toasts

Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and a true one
A cold beer, and another one.

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Here's a toast to the roast that good fellowship lends,
With the sparkle of beer and wine;
May its sentiment always be deeper, my friends,
Than the foam at the top of the stein.

May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.

Here's to beefsteak when you're hungry,
Whiskey when you're dry,
All the women you'll ever want,
And heaven when you die.

There are good ships, and there are wood ships,
The ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships, are friendships,
And may they always be. 

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