12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Vito.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING MANUAL
Symptom: Drinking fails to
give taste and satisfaction;
beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was am accident down at the Guinness Brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so
die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are
off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain
faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why should I be scared of you."
Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, The beers are on me!. "My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of then were pregnant!"
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night.
Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"
This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass !"
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages car pooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
14. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
God created beer so the Irish wouldn't take over the world.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian". The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says "that's ok. I'd like to buy her a drink anyway." So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks. The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool next to her he says "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"
May you have the hindsight to know
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.
May you have warm words on a cold
a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!
Here's a toast to the roast that good
With the sparkle of beer and wine;
May its sentiment always be deeper, my friends,
Than the foam at the top of the stein.
May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Here's to beefsteak when you're hungry,
Whiskey when you're dry,
All the women you'll ever want,
And heaven when you die.
There are good ships, and there are
The ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships, are friendships,
And may they always be.