If you are stuck in a foxhole with a Cobra, Saddam Hussein, and a lawyer, you only have two bullets, what do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.
Terrorists hijack a plane full of lawyers. They ask for 20 million dollars, and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake? When you run over a snake you don't back up to make sure it's dead.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? The bucket.
What's the difference between a whore and a lawyer? A whore stops screwing you when your dead.
Two lawyers are walking down the street. One sees a very attractive woman, and turns to the other lawyer and says, "Would I ever love to screw her!!" The other lawyer looks at him and says, "Out of what?"
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first. "Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists.When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable."
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
What is wrong with a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually a lawyer. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be 193 years old!"
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm? The sperm has one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the cows and pigs. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The farmer answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the farmer answered the door, there stood the cows and pigs.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
A blind bunny and a blind snake were born at the same time, and grew up together, becoming the best of friends. Neither one knew what kind of creature the other one was, and one day decided to touch each other and describe the sensations. The snake went first - "You're all furry, have two ears and a fluffy little tail." The bunny was overjoyed, shouting, "I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!" Then the bunny felt the snake - "You've got slimy skin, beady eyes and a forked tongue." The snake moaned, "Oh, no, I must be a lawyer..."
An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, and give you the sex of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"
An experienced editor tried to explain the newspaper business to a cub reporter: "You can't sell any papers with a 'Dog Bites Man' story, but 'Client Runs Off With Attorney's Funds' -- why, that would sell out a special edition."
A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner - he made me do all the work."
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of dung. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Makin' people." "So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply. "Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy answered "Nope, not enough dung."
The defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender wasn't interested in his case. The judge addressed the PD: "What do you have to say to that?" The PD replied, "Could you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."
Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Then there's the old story involving the theft of some chickens: Judge: Are you the defendant? Defendant: Nope, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Children who never come when called
grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will
up to be lawyers.