The
Evolution Of Mankind Into
Liberals and Conservatives
Contributed by
Tom Miller
http://members.cox.net/tvtom/
The division of
the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000
years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted
as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution,
beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the
foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great
bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and
Conservatives.
Once beer was
discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet
been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent
their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were
drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative
movement.
Other men who
were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off
conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's
work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the liberal movement.
Liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group
therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat
that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in
democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then,
and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives
are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on
earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals
like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or
foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal
menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men.
Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their
first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social
workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists
are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in
baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives
drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who
works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not
produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide
what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most
of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America.
Conservatives
have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They
practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches.
When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the
Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing
world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not
have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of
conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible
and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because
they always do whatever is best for them without regard to
others. They have no standard of reference.
Liberals do not
give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a
field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a
portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.
Conservatives
believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns
and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals.
They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals
and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not
believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives,
and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns.
King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule
of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in
BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate
answer.
Conservatives
believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common
criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by
liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals
from other countries who want to govern our country.
Conservatives
know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed
statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting
on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain
their reasons.
Liberals only
believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege
of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on
juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common
criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce
anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money.
They consider it against the law to reference any source of law
such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just
make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy
Bean is their model.
The American
cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A
hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch
hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I
might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch
ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it
be? Beer or Wine? Domestic or Imported?
