Myla and I just spent the afternoon at our local AMC Theater and saw "Star Wars - Episode II - Attack of the Clones" We had a wonderful time. It's a great movie. Well, maybe Myla didn't enjoy it as much as I did. She happened to mention it was awfully loud, she didn't know who all the good guys and the bad guys were, didn't know how the guns worked and thought quite a few of the characters were not very cute. (Did you ever take a close look at Jar Jar Binks?) In fact, she mentioned the cafe owner was kind of ugly and had bad teeth. I forgot his name, but you know him, the fat guy with four arms and the chicken head. Great movie.
The critics never like my kind of movies. Critics like movies with intense plots, dramatic and society altering dialogue, award winning music, fancy costumes and wardrobes, tear-jerking death scenes, flawless acting and, of course, some social message about the abuse of minorities or poor white people. My movies have shallow plots, lots of action, pretty girls, if the hero isn't handsome, he's tougher than hell, the good guy wins, and the hero (almost) always gets the girl. Come to think of it, John Wayne never got the girl. And if Willie or Waylon had something to do with the soundtrack, it's perfect.
Arnold Schwartzeneggar is a great actor and plays in great movies. If a bad guy does something to upset him or one of his friends, he will clobber the bad guy so hard his head will fly off. Yay! Yay! Cheers! Critics would rather see Tom Cruise kiss Nicole Kidman with a soft-focus camera and flowers in the background.
Sylvester Stallone is a great actor and plays in great movies. If a bad guy does something to him or one of his friends, Sly will make a bomb and blow him to smithereens. Yay! Yay! Cheers! Critics would rather see Richard Gere kissing Julia Roberts with the MGM symphony orchestra playing Mozart in the background.
John Wayne is a great actor and plays in great movies. If a gunslinger, Jap or Indian does something bad to him or one of his friends, the Duke would pull out his gun and shoot him right between the eyes. Yay! Yay! Cheers! The critics would rather see forty-five minutes of gut-wrenching psycho-babble about the social injustices wreaked upon the poor soul the Duke just shot.
I love Star Wars, but the perfect movie is James Bond. Really. They all are outstanding. Stop and think about it. The opening scene always grabs you by the throat and lifts you right out of your popcorn covered seat. He is handsome, debonair, suave, and smart and tough. Admit it guys. We all want to be like him. The plot is thin which means I always understand what's going on. The girls are always gorgeous, smart and tough and James always gets them. The villains are never as handsome as James but they are always smart and tough and James always gets them. James has all the great gadgets we want, drives all the fancy cars we want to drive, knows how to do everything we want to do (except maybe defuse the bomb), travels to all the exotic places we want to go, flies the airplanes and even the rocket ships, swims the greatest oceans, skis the greatest hills, drinks the greatest martinis (shaken, not stirred), gets to kiss all the girls we want to kiss and every movie he gets to save the world. He is straight forward and easy to understand. For example, if someone says "Hey Bub, what's your name?" The reply is always: "Bond. James Bond." He always makes you laugh, never makes you cry and never uses the “F” word. The nudity is never complete and the sex scenes are never embarrassing. If there has ever been a social message delivered by James, it was so shallow I missed it. You can take your mother, father, son and daughter and your wife or husband to a James Bond movie and never have to say, "I'm sorry." The best.
Ask a critic about a Jedi, Arnold, Sly, Duke or 007 and they will laugh at you. That's OK. I love them all.
That's the way I see it.
05/16/02PS - I miss Randolph Scott, Jimmy Stewart and Roy Rogers.