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My Humble Opinion

King David
David For KING

Vote Right and Vote Often

I'm David, and I approve this message

I'm running for King.  No, not president.  King.  Let Mr. Bush and Mr. Kerry run for president.  By the way, did you know John Kerry served in Viet Nam?  I don't want to be president.  The president has far too many rules,  regulations, restrictions, laws and obligations to be concerned about.  Plus, he has to be politically correct.  King.  Now that's different.  Kings are strong.  Kings don't have to put up with any baloney.  Challenges to the King are "short lived." (If you know what I mean)  If the King wants something done all he has to do is tell someone to do it and it's done.  Kings don't have to mess with politicians and bureaucrats.  If someone brings a problem to the King, everyone sits down and arrives at a fair solution and it's done.  Everybody gets a vote. But . . . . . the King counts the votes.

The King doesn't really have to be politically correct.  For example, as your King, I will racially profile.  If I see an Arab male buying an airplane ticket, I will frisk him.  I'll have pork chops at every ticket counter and anyone not willing to take a bite is a suspect.  If he's carrying the Star of David, he can get on the airplane, otherwise he will be frisked.  Four or five Muslims want to ride on an airplane, fine, I will put a soldier on the same plane just to keep an eye on them.  They will be assigned seats away from each other and they will not leave their seats for the duration of the flight.  If nature calls, the airline will provide a container.  You fellas have been hijacking airplanes for 40 years and have created this problem for yourselves and you now have a price to pay.  Any more than four or five Muslims want on an airplane, sorry fellas, take separate planes. You don't like that?   Take your rag and your rug and go to He . . . . . Mecca.

The following chart contains highlights of my platform.  Obviously, it is not complete but it will give you a good idea of how I will rule.  I didn't serve in Viet Nam but last week I did cut myself on a piece of paper and I petitioned AARP for a Lavender Heart.  I am honest and I am trustworthy and I deserve your vote.  In fact, I am so trustworthy, you can trust me with your daughter.  Well, at my age, you can trust me with your mother.

My Incredibly Correct Positions

Constitution and Bill of Rights:
  These documents belong only to native born Americans and naturalized citizens.  The Kingdom will not grant those rights to aliens whether they are legal, illegal or simply visitors to the Kingdom.  Aliens are subject to our laws but not our rights.  The first ACLU lawyer or left-wing liberal that protests this rule will be executed immediately. I mean immediately.  If the echo of the protest has faded before the execution, the executioner will be executed.


Close the Mexican border
:  Any illegal alien committing crimes or requesting free medical or other social services will be immediately fingerprinted and deported to his/her (his) native country and the bill for damages or services rendered, including the cost of transportation, will be submitted to his native government.  That country will not be allowed to ship goods into the Kingdom until their bill is paid in full.  I reserve the right to exclude certain essential products.  The second immigration offender will be smuggled into North Korea and abandoned there.  No charge.


Islamic Terrorists: 
There are far too many Muslims for US to control.  Muslims have to police themselves.  Any American Imam or Mullah charged with any nature of terrorist activity will be tried and executed within 20 days of capture, and his mosque will be torn down and his entire congregation will be deported.  Any Muslim guilty of participating in terrorist activity of any nature will be executed within 20 days of capture and his surviving family members will be smuggled into France and abandoned there.  All Muslims have to do is stop the killing. If Muslims wish to live in the Kingdom they will police themselves.


Terrorist Strike: 
As King, I will send a fax and an email to the dictator of every Islamic country advising them that should any terrorist strike succeed against US that I will immediately send a cruise missile to your main mosque in Medina.  The second strike will involve a cruise missile to your main mosque in Mecca.  A third strike will involve a small nuke in Mecca rendering it uninhabitable for 1,000 years.  All muslims have to do is stop the killing.  Learn to police yourselves and this threat is meaningless.


United Nations: 
They need US.  We do not need them.  Therefore, the Kingdom will resign from the UN for a period of 15 years.  After that period, if the UN has corrected its politics, policies and philosophies, the Kingdom might re-apply for membership.  In the meantime, the UN will be invited to remove its offices from our land and relocate to any country that is willing to pay for 65% of its cost of operations and pay for 100% of its costs of security.


US Troops:
  I will bring them all home.  From everywhere.  See Plank No. 2. The Kingdom is big and loved by few.  We can put them to work here.  I would love to have a soldier or a marine sitting next to me on the airplane.  We have spent more of our blood and treasure defending other nations of this world from other nations of this world than all other nations of this world combined.  It's time other countries learn to take care of themselves.  If they need help, they can ask the UN.  The King will finish what we started in Iraq.  Then, it's over.


Taxes:  The Kingdom requires funds to operate.  I will install a flat 20% tax on all income exceeding $30,000 per year.  No deductions.  No dependents.  No exemptions.  No carry backs.  No carry forwards.  No loopholes.  If you lose $100,000 in a business venture, no carry back, no carry forward.  No loophole.  Find a way to earn it again.  Next time be more careful.  Maybe a national sales tax instead.  The King is flexible on this. 
I will kill the Death Tax and the capital gains tax.  The King is good.


Education:  The King is not responsible for teaching your children to read, write and count.  You are.  They're your children.  That business is best handled by you and your church or local community.  If you live in a very small town, your county can provide assistance.  Your state can provide balanced guidelines and goals to insure that each community and county is providing adequate and equal education to the children.  The US Department of Education will be shut down.  The King is busy running the Kingdom and has no time to sing that ABCDEFG song.


Social Security:  The King will fix that in a New York minute.  The golden fleece arrangement the politicians have set up for themselves will be eliminated before the sun sets on inauguration day.  The politicians will enter the social security system with the rest of us.  Have no fear old farts, my subjects will find a solution in no time.  Ah, it's good to be King.


Health Care:  The King is not responsible for your health.  You are.  You eat what you want to eat, you exercise as much or as little as you want, you smoke or not, you drink or not, you skydive or not, you play with dynamite or not, you may even choose to rob a mafia bagman.  Your lifestyle is your decision.  Buy health insurance.  Blue Cross sells it for about $250 per month.  You have no problem with a $400 a month car payment, you have no problem smoking $180 dollars worth of cigarettes a month or drinking $100 worth of beer a month.  If you can't afford $250 for Blue Cross, go to your local Burger King and flip burgers 2 hours a day for 5 days a week and there's your $250.  If you're too lazy to do that, don't come to the King looking for a handout.  Borrow the money.  Ask your brother or sister.  Or your parents or children.  Or your aunts and uncles and cousins.  Embarrassing, isn't it?  You're damn right it is. Your family and your friends have faces and your government doesn't.  Worst case, your city  has local health clinics that will provide health care.  Worst case, your county has a medical center.  Worst case, your state has a large welfare department and a state hospital.  By law, they must provide you with health care. Successful people drive Cadillacs and get to pick their own doctors.  They studied hard, worked hard, made good decisions and earned their own way. They don't owe you anything.  Get real.  If you think America owes you, don't vote for me.  Vote for Kerry.  Or Hillary.


  The King loves guns.  Everybody gets to own guns.  However, while guns are inanimate and harmless by themselves, they are very easily misused and very easily turned into an object of destruction.  My subjects are free to own guns.  But, if they misuse them in any way, they not only lose their right to own guns, they will lose their right to live among us.  The dungeon for life.  Should they slay one of my subjects or even point their gun at a police officer, they shall be promptly executed.  Shoot them right between the eyes with their own gun.  Save the Kingdom's money.  Muslims don't get to own guns.  Theirs is a religion of peace.  They don't need them.


Racism:   The King is racist.  OK. Certain people I don't want to be around.  For example, I don't want to be around politicians, they are after my money. I don't want to be around frenchmen, they are arrogant.  I don't want to be around Muslims, they want to kill me.   If you are a non-English speaking tourist, I will work forever to help you find whatever it is you want or are looking for but I don't want to be around anyone who lives in this country and doesn't speak English.  I don't want to be around a jobless person.  If you've been out of a job for a month, I'm sorry for you, this beer's on me.  If you've been out of a job for a year, get away from me.  I'm still undecided about Canadians. 

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