I don't SUFFER from insanity, I ENJOY every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
I'm not a COMPLETE idiot - SOME parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I don't have to be dead to donate MY organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people; he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Your IQ test score is back and the results were negative.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Beer ~ the reason I get up each afternoon
I must be a proctologist because I work with assholes.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Rehab is for quitters
My dog can lick anyone
I have a degree in Liberal Arts. You want fries with that?
Finally 21, and legally able to do what I've been doing since 15
All men are idiots and I married their King.
West Virginia: one million people, and 15 last names
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
Police station toilet stolen... Cops have nothing to go on.
The Meek shall inherit the earth after we're through with it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
When Did My Wild Oats turn into Shredded Wheat?
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning medicine.
Quoting One is Plagiarism; Quoting Many is Research.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He Thought He was God and I Didn't.
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all-bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, but I only got halfway through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
Percentage of American men who say they
would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not renumber the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on theground, the person died of natural causes.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in theEnglish language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring
Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. People infected
with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."),
these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on
their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell
of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."), People who died from
the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease
("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!")